changes..

hmm..i've always tot that we choose who we become in the future, but i think i'm partially wrong. sometimes changes come to us whether we are prepared for it or not. whether this change is permanent or temporary, only time can tell.

Coming here to moscow has made me become more sensitive to the surroundings. i used to think that i'm the centre of the universe.in other terms, i was selfish and ignorant. but now, reality hit me so hard that i'm knocked off the centre to the periphery! haha, how ironic.

i'm not sure whether this change is good for me. well, it reduced my confidence level to almost nil(i was always unsure of my own abilities), BUT it kinda made me a stronger person. It's as though i'm being pushed so hard to the edge that i have to fight very hard to swim against the current so that i don't fall over the edge! So in a good way, i'm undergoing mind training at this northern end of earth.

Coming here made me realize that i've taken many things for granted. I've loved music but i've never appreciated the fact that i can play the piano everyday when i was still in malaysia! It's really good for the soul. I've missed my thrombone and my piano. i've missed all my cd hunting excursions! sigh....

And most important of all, i've finally realized the importance of having and being a member of the family. There's no other ppl in this world which i feel closest to eventhough i'm physically distant from them. Made me realize that they are the onli ppl that i can trust! And i miss all of them!

At a crossroad....

To be honest, all through the years i've spent in moscow, i've always felt that i was hanging by the moment and this particular moment has never shifted or moved. It's as though i was too afraid to take the first step into the future. I'm just comfortably nesting at this moment. but my time's running out. the alarm clock's gonna ring soon and i shall be waking up to the smell of coffee soon. i need to choose between spinning all my dreams into reality or into cobwebs.

desperately trying to break out of my cocoon but somehow the shell won't crack. desperately trying to turn into a butterfly but something's holding me back. i'm holding my breathe, and i can feel myself starting to suffocate, when can i start to breathe again?

Courage is what i need. But it's not easy to get. please wake me ...wake me!