changes..

hmm..i've always tot that we choose who we become in the future, but i think i'm partially wrong. sometimes changes come to us whether we are prepared for it or not. whether this change is permanent or temporary, only time can tell.

Coming here to moscow has made me become more sensitive to the surroundings. i used to think that i'm the centre of the universe.in other terms, i was selfish and ignorant. but now, reality hit me so hard that i'm knocked off the centre to the periphery! haha, how ironic.

i'm not sure whether this change is good for me. well, it reduced my confidence level to almost nil(i was always unsure of my own abilities), BUT it kinda made me a stronger person. It's as though i'm being pushed so hard to the edge that i have to fight very hard to swim against the current so that i don't fall over the edge! So in a good way, i'm undergoing mind training at this northern end of earth.

Coming here made me realize that i've taken many things for granted. I've loved music but i've never appreciated the fact that i can play the piano everyday when i was still in malaysia! It's really good for the soul. I've missed my thrombone and my piano. i've missed all my cd hunting excursions! sigh....

And most important of all, i've finally realized the importance of having and being a member of the family. There's no other ppl in this world which i feel closest to eventhough i'm physically distant from them. Made me realize that they are the onli ppl that i can trust! And i miss all of them!

At a crossroad....

To be honest, all through the years i've spent in moscow, i've always felt that i was hanging by the moment and this particular moment has never shifted or moved. It's as though i was too afraid to take the first step into the future. I'm just comfortably nesting at this moment. but my time's running out. the alarm clock's gonna ring soon and i shall be waking up to the smell of coffee soon. i need to choose between spinning all my dreams into reality or into cobwebs.

desperately trying to break out of my cocoon but somehow the shell won't crack. desperately trying to turn into a butterfly but something's holding me back. i'm holding my breathe, and i can feel myself starting to suffocate, when can i start to breathe again?

Courage is what i need. But it's not easy to get. please wake me ...wake me!

religious or just plain busybody?

There are around 6.6 billion ppl living in this world.Each of us having different religion so as to make our lives more grounded and stable. Some believe in god. Others are more sceptical about a higher power hovering and watching over us from above. Above where? For all i know, the earth is round and yet they always define heaven as the holy grounds above and hell as the damned place below somewhere. I won't deny that i don't believe in spirits and souls. What other reasons could explain the fact that eventhough all human bodies are alike, we still behave differently. Some of us are kind and lovely where else others are quite the demon. Hence the constant struggle that my mind faces everyday on the matter of whether there's god or not. i really do want to believe in god, but until i see god, i'm sceptical about his/her presence. I don't even know god's gender. sigh....

So, what exactly are the religious groups doing nowadays in getting more ppl to join their religion?They greatly publicise their disgust for other ppl's culture. Think gwen stefani. haha. so wat if foreigners dress sexily? what's the point of having a religion when you can't control your own lust? Lust which is one of the seven sins noted in the bible plus others....well, i don't know if it's written in the al-quran, but i assume that it should be since almost all religion says something about it!

I thought that religions are supposed to help bring mankind to enlightenment so that they can live in peace and harmony without the constant battle of temptations! we need to do good from within our body and soul and not with an organization controlling us from outside!

And also, who the hell do you think you are to condemn a living person so easily by saying that if we do not join that certain religion, god cannot safe us and we will go to hell for sure. What is this? that's absolutely either the most idiotic statement that i've ever heard or the funniest! pick one. be my guest.

Also, what's with all this mediums(materials) that we use to pass our messages to god? i mean, i really think that certain materials will polute our poor earth, as polluted as it is alreadi!

So for me, i think that it's good that we have a religion to ground us, but pls don't stray from the main purpose of that religion!pls don't over interprete what's written many centuries ago! And just think for a minute or a second, the laws of all religions were written so long ago to fit the society and civilization at THAT PARTICULAR time and not for the modern times! don't you think that mankind and the environment would have evolved a little by now. haven't some of you tot that it might not suit our lifestyle now as comfortably as it suited our ancestors last time? i'm just wondering......

Siberia here i come! huhoo!

Finally!!! The day has come for me to depart from moscow to siberia to mongolia! muahaha.....hehe.....

This feeling is so great!i mean, there are no more worries now that exams are over. No stress. I've just been eating and sleeping like nobody's business! haha....But of course planning for the silk road trip in china was kinda stressful. Only today did the agent confirm my flight from beijing to urumqi! phew...that was close! actually it was only 2 hours ago that i received the confirmation email from them!:)

well, almost all of my frens have gone back home. It's now onli me and my new family consisting of my fellow tripmates! hehe...i guess you can call us one big bunch of noisy and big eaters! haha..thus the heavy luggages that we will be carrying throughout the trip. I don't think that i can lift my bag..it's too heavy!

hmm...well, 4 more hours to go and i'm not even finished with my packing! god am i a last minute doer! haha... i think this trip will be really fun. You'll here about it in a month!! Take care everyone! muacks..

Me and my roomies/unies!!!:)

Yummyyy!!!!

Oh, i love today.... hehe..just finished my final exam on infectious diseases. Wat a relief! I thought i was going to go crazy from all THAT studying!!! In fact, almost half of the hostel population were going cuckoo...haha.....both of my roomies/unies were acting like some 'pasar malam' middle aged women, talking as loud and as fast as they can, singing, snacking alot, laughing really horrendous laughters, and doing a lot of other 'stuffs' which i cannot say..ahem ahem...:)haha, but it's because of all these little things that actually kept my sanity! Of course, i did participate too....haha..:P

Exam was quite crazy!!!!When i first entered the exam hall, everything in my mind just went blank. My hands started shaking....i really really didn't know what to do!! All i could think of is this sentence ' die hard la like this'...hehe....Guess what kind of questions i got? hah! I had 2 cases, one on influenza and another on Brucellosis. Oh my god! You know, the teachers don't really like to give straight forward clinical manifestations of certain diseases. They like to twist and turn and add in some complication of the disease and make it look like some other disease. I had to differentiate this diagnosis from local form of meningeal infection by Neisseria Meningitidis. It was not easy i tell you!!! In the first place, it was alreadi hard as it is to come up with influenza as the diagnosis! Secondly, Brucellosis. Oh boy was i rite! i had this premonition yesterday night that i'll get that question today! It wasn't that hard to put the diagnosis, it's just that i absolutely have no idea what kind of questions the teacher will come out with plus the fact that the lecture that the teacher gave on Brucellosis wasn't that great to start with! hehe...

Then, when i was in the waiting room (waiting to take my turn to take the oral exam), a fren of mine suddenly whispered to me saying that it's not influenza !!! you should have been there to see how big my eyes can grow in a ms!!!! i actually tot i would die from suffocation!!(i forgot to breathe)..my god..i couldn't do anything at all...i can't change the diagnosis coz i know no other diseases that fit the description! i could onli sit and pray that my diagnosis is rite! Thank god my diagnosis was rite...wat a relief! Coz of that, i'm in such a good mood today! oh you must be wondering wat happened to my sec question? haha, the teacher was too impressed with me that she let me go after the first question! ahha....i'm such a brag!Actually, the examiner is a really nice lady...:P

Since i was in such a good mood, i've decided to reward myself by going to yakitoria(japanese restaurant) for lunch. The food tasted so good! mmm..yummy!!I ate furukake roll(scallop with philadelphia cheese) and taisio ebi roll(tempura king prawn). Superb!Oh before that, me and 2 other guy frens went to sportsmaster in cmolenskaya to buy some hiking bag for the transiberian trip! Can't wait for the trip!

I'm so tired now. feel like sleeping. But for the sake to play nannymania, i will sacrifice anything! hehehehe.....kk....shall pen off now. ciao! docvidania!

I hate posing for potraits/photos.

Yes, i feel what the theme says. Really. I've never posed since young. Not for my baby photos, kindie photos, brat photos, teenage photos, college photos and uni photos. I mean, i seriously can't stand it. It may come naturally to some ppl, in fact 99% of ppl would most probably be happy to pose and take photoes but i on the other hand land in the minority, the other 1%.

Ironically, i would like to blame all of this on a few factors. Firstly, i think that the camera hates me. haha, yes, the camera hates me ..... every single pic that i've taken doesn't seem to bring out the best of me. Secondly, i'm that kind of person that's really really blur and if you don't teach me how to pose, that skill will never come thru me, i'm really being honest about this..i don't lie:)
Thirdly, i'm an introvert. I think this is the biggest factor of them all. I really should work on my confidence and attitude, but i still lag a little in that area no matter how hard i've tried to improve myself in that area for the last 10 years or so.

Of course i've taken some photos, but not much. Those photos that i took actually capture the mood that i'm in. It's more like i'm living the motto ' I don't do nothing for no reason'. I don't take photoes for fun. For me, fun = guilt. I know that all this may sound weird to you, but i do have a chip on my shoulder and i've been carrying that chip for a rather long time now. Hopefully the chip will mend itself and disappear.....

And for my fellow frens in MMCU, i hope that you all will understand what i'm going thru. It may seem simple to you, but it's actually a rather big emotional and psychological barrier that i've got to overcome myself. I can onli apologize to all of you. So sorry for the inconvenience.